A week at the gym?

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something

wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted

to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)

purchased a week of personal training at the local health club

for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my

college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good

idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal

trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old

aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim

wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found

it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find

Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -

with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo

Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She

took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was

alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to

standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed

watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics

class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut

was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was

around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the

door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar

into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a

little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel

GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush

on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I

believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as

long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO

in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,

insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her

voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when

she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on

the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to

simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda

told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said

some other **** too.

THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth expos e d

as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I

couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to

tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When

she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent

Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing

machine -- which I promptly sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever

hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,

skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my

body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with

it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any

triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me

the mother f----n' barbells or anything that weighs more than a

sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health

and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone

softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,

shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just

hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and

ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can

go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that

next year my wife (the *****) will choose a gift for me that is

fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

A week at the gym?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

oh what? Sorry, dosed off or a second i was....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

A week at the gym?

I didn't laugh out loud, sorry. I don't think I laughed at all....

A week at the gym?

i kept waiting for a punch line.....

ad there was none

A week at the gym?

OMG I mean like OMG

I cudn't read it all!

soo much words r there!

and no, I don't hink it's funny cz a person will sleep b4 getting till its end!!!